You’re the best, baby.

Like I said, baby, you’re the best.

Then you’d just have to push me in a wheelchair.

It was well timed for the snow shovelling season, but no. I was just distracted.

Come here.

Take the parka off.

…

It did take me the entire hour, yes.

What’s sexier than a naked man with a cast on his leg?

You sure?

Cause it takes a long time to take pants on an off, so if you get in the mood in the next two days, I’m going to be busy.

Goddamn, you bitched up out there, didn’t you?

Would you like me to put the kettle on?

…

…

Yeah?

I knew my wily charm would get to you.

Central heating doesn’t help?

See, you’re all wrong.

You think I need this stuff to help me, but really, it’s just all the romance. Its like, ice cream, but with that sauce that hardens on it. Like that.

The sauce?

Yeah, some, I think.

Oh, no, don’t look at me like that. Your vague insults have resulted in a loss of mood. You’re going to have to look after yourself now. This naked man and his cast demand better treatment.

What if you did?

That you’re leaving water on the floor and you’re going to have to clean it up.

Is that right?

…

…

It’s getting there.

(The 12 Days of Christmas enters its fifth day. Social and political commentary must return! Also, midgets.)

We really need to buy air conditioning.

I don’t care if he charged us more.

…

You know what would be better, though?

An ice age.

Yeah.

Like, y’know, everything frozen over.

Everything just white and blue and so cold the sky is like ice.

And we could ride tigers.

Cars wouldn’t work in that cold. We would need something else.

We could tame tigers. They’d be all orange and black across the white. We’d have saddles and reins on them and they’d carry us across the snow, take us anywhere we would want.

The tigers?!

We’re not eating the tigers.

The tigers are what will keep us alive. We might have to kill one or two for fur, because it’ll be so beautifully cold, but after that–no, we couldn’t eat them.

They’re our companions.

Whale.

Yeah.

Whale.

One whale would feed us for months. We would hunt it in the sea, carried in boats that we built. We would keep harpoons and we would sail into the rough water, the cold spray against out faces–and we would spear whales out there, and drag one up onto land, where it would die, and we could cut away its meat for us and the tigers.

With the Japanese all dead, they’ll be safe.

I am the last Japanese.

On a tiger.

No!

Okay, maybe igloos.

What?

I dunno–I dunno about this.

I was happy just riding tigers and hunting whales and living in our paradise. Evil midget Santa doesn’t–

Why?

Wait, did you just say midgets?

I wish I had a good dowry.

That doesn’t mean I don’t need a good husband.

Those bastards.

Fuck, yeah.

…

…

(The 12 Days of Christmas is in it’s 4th Day. Finally, a Christmas theme emerges.)

Hi, this is the Quit Helpline and I’m Mary, how can I–

Hey, Rob!

What’s done?

Yeah, yeah.

What did she do, cheat on you again?

Download lesbian porn?

You’ll take that crazy bitch back.

…

She–

Jesus.

What happened?

Exactly. You should have told that months ago.

I’m at work.

Haha.

How’d you not notice this?

Rob?

What?

My god.

What are you going to do.

I have–this is the most weirdest, fucked up thing I ever heard.

Have you heard from her?

What?

That’s–

Rob–

Rob–

Rob!

You started smoking again, didn’t you?

…

…

(The 12 Days of Christmas is in its third day. I offer no excuses.)

I wrote a book called Beneath the Red Sun, but you can’t read it yet. It would be my third novel if published tomorrow (it won’t be) and is set in what has been called my Red Sun World. I capitalised that because that’s how I’ve seen it done, not because I named it. I might have named it the End of the World World or Some Really Fucked Up Shit Happens Here World if I’d had any say and it’s probably best I haven’t. Anyhow, one of the reasons I’ve been quiet this year is due to a lot of things involved with this book. A few years back I might have made long posts about it, might have ranted, might have said this and that and this and had some cool fights, but nowadays, I just figure its life, you do what you got to do, and maybe soon there’ll be something interesting to say about it, or maybe there won’t.

Anyhow, a few months back, Tessa Kum ended up with Beneath the Red Sun. I might have emailed it to her. She might not have asked for it. You know how this stuff works out.

She posted about it today:

Matthew Brady was a soldier, and as a soldier he killed people the state deemed it appropriate to kill. On his own initiative, he killed a man the state did not deem it appropriate to kill, and because he laughed at the hypocrisy practiced in the court room, he was sentenced to transportation.

On the day of his release, he is approached by a mortician who informs him his brother and family have been murdered, and that the whereabouts of the murderers is known.

What to do.

I’d say this story is like an onion - nothing but layers on layers on layers with shit that will sting your eyes (and it totally will) - but that’s not entirely true. It’s more like a Mandelbrot picture. Saying it’s an onion implies that beneath all the layers is a core. Mandelbrots never end. If you wish, you could read it as nothing more than a cycle-of-violence/revenge story. Good luck trying it. I don’t think it’s possible to read such an intensely unforgiving story and be oblivious to the many grey areas and uneasy questions being posed. Class, race, gender, culture, personal ethics and political morals, and more. It’s meaty, yet lean. No spare flesh, all the muscle on the bones is exactly what is required and does not lie idle.

It’s also the most Australian not-Australia I’ve encountered in fiction. Heat (possibly empathising a bit much due to the weather today and tomorrow) and dust, and dust and heat. A desert that isn’t sand, but dried cracked clay, run through with gullies and no water. Townships set up to mimic the Motherland, impractical in the new climate. Massive divides between the colonisers and colonised. Half-castes caught between. And oh, I don’t know, I know I’m babbling now, but it was just breath-taking. The details were perfect, precise, and fresh.

And you may not notice if you’re from the US or UK, but there’s a shitload of books based in or extrapolated-not-too-loosely-from US/UK in both landscape and history, and it’s quite easy to overdose on it. At least, I hit saturation point pretty regularly. Hence I leap about seeking out books from other places, to counterbalance and keep me interested in reading. Keep it fresh.

And here! Something based on the furious, cheating, thieving, murdering history that makes up the world I live in, something I’m pretty familiar with, and yet, was goddamn fresh. Man, I want more. Washed my head right clean.

Fuck kangaroos. Let’s get murdering and looting.

(You know, I almost understand nationalism. Here’s a piece of fiction that makes me raise my fist and go “FUCK YEAH! THAT’S MY HOME! BE JEALOUS AND WEEP YE OTHERS!”)

(Which further leads to the idea of looking for yourself in fiction, something I have never really understood because I’ve considered myself too much a mongrel with outsider psychology to even consider a character would echo me, but this, I think this is what was meant…)

It’s also a brilliant piece of craft. There are two streams, one following Matthew going forward in time, the other being Matther’s brother’s diary. Although we already know the family’s fate, both streams are equal in their power to progress the plot and gift the reader with further insight into the politics and personalities involved. In a strange way, the two streams work backwards as they thread around each other. It must have been a headache to write, but extraordinary to read.

You can’t buy this book because it isn’t published. The world is fucked up like that.

Cool, innit it?

(Of course, Tess shouldn’t have posted about it, because she should have used her valuable ten minutes on something a lot more worthwhile than anything I’ve done, but I say this only because I heart Tess with all the heart one can give in the word heart, and not because I’m humble at all.)

Link.

The well–

The sea water has gotten into it.

The Queen doesn’t care.

Are you working your bit on me?

You have bits.

Your cousin wrote your last review.

Cheap, too, isn’t he?

Well, what are we going to do about this, then?

Yeah, I know. I’m surprised the well lasted as long as it did.

Maybe they will grow gills then, and live under water.

The–the what?

That’s your solution?

Now I know you’re working a bit.

Think it’ll go well?

We are standing next to a well that is completely useless. Yesterday we built a sea wall around your sister’s house. I couldn’t even afford that–I don’t know how she could.

Even you?

I gave her money.

I lied. I didn’t want to seem like I was a soft touch.

…

…

Well, you did say she loved us, right?

(The 12 Days of Christmas I made up one day ago. The first piece was called ‘Tiger Woods’, and the second is called ‘Copenhagen’. Hopefully all this stuff will look good in 12 days time.)

Hey, check out this: Family services went to Tiger Woods’ place.

Of course!

You check the browsers of everyone in this job, I bet you find that they’re all got news feeds up. Hundreds of little monitors blinking with the story of Tiger Woods.

What, you telling me you never looked?

What?

I know it. I don’t read it–but, I mean, what’s that got to do with Tiger Woods?

It’s not! The dude had a million affairs!

Oh man, you’re ranting.

I’m going go get a coffee. When I come back, can you have this as a power point presentation?

If you could have some of those mint slices from the other day there, that’d be sweet.

No.

It’s a sport. In fact, it is my favourite sport–which is good, cause I don’t like golf.

That’s bullshit.

My grandfather plays it?

Hey.

Hey, that’s uncool.

No, they don’t.

And why you got to bring that up?

No, that’s just distressing. You push into that the more you realise that an organisation that is suppose to be in charge of protecting people and ensuring the spiritual well being of the people who follow it were, in fact, actively ignoring the men and women and children that trusted them and abusing their power–and that just pushes the idea that there is no God, because if there was, then these people would be fucking afraid of His wrath before they did shit like that.

No, that’s just someone who is trying to have faith.

Besides which, I’d rather talk about Tiger Woods.

Yeah, well…

I’m getting my fucking coffee. Don’t be at my desk when I get back.

(The 12 Days of Christmas is something I made up a few hours ago. It’s a series of dialogues every day leading up to Xmas Day. This was the first one, entitled, ‘Tiger Woods’.)

Maybe I’ll grow a beard.

Growing a beard is an affirmation of manliness and masculinity. The beard itself is a physical characteristic that separates men from the boys, girls, and women. In our culture that has downplayed good old-fashioned masculinity, growing a beard shows that you are not afraid of being a manly man. You can reclaim a too-often-lost aspect of manliness by growing a beard.

…

It can often be helpful to choose a bearded role model to serve as a source of inspiration while growing your beard. This could be someone you know or it could be a famous or historic bearded figure. While growing your beard, if at any time your commitment and confidence falter, just remember your bearded role model and realize that he successfully grew his beard and realize that you can, too.

Link.

No more teaching until next year.

I haven’t had a real nice break since the beginning of the year, and I was starting to get edgy towards the end here, so if I owe you email or I’ve been a bit scattered, give me a couple of days and I’ll be sweet.

As someone who has, in the past, used his blog for the Educating of People Who Opposed Me But Should Known Better, I give you the recently disposed leader of the Opposition, Malcom Turnbull, using his own blog to give his party and its new leader, Tony Abbott, such an attempted lesson:

It is not possible to criticise the new Coalition policy on climate change because it does not exist. Mr Abbott apparently knows what he is against, but not what he is for.

Second, as we are being blunt, the fact is that Tony and the people who put him in his job do not want to do anything about climate change. They do not believe in human caused global warming. As Tony observed on one occasion “climate change is crap” or if you consider his mentor, Senator Minchin, the world is not warming, it’s cooling and the climate change issue is part of a vast left wing conspiracy to deindustrialise the world.

Now politics is about conviction and a commitment to carry out those convictions. The Liberal Party is currently led by people whose conviction on climate change is that it is “crap” and you don’t need to do anything about it. Any policy that is announced will simply be a con, an environmental figleaf to cover a determination to do nothing. After all, as Nick Minchin observed, in his view the majority of the Party Room do not believe in human caused global warming at all. I disagree with that assessment, but many people in the community will be excused for thinking the leadership ballot proved him right.

Remember Nick Minchin’s defense of the Howard Government’s ETS was that the Government was panicked by the polls and therefore didn’t really mean it.

Tony himself has, in just four or five months, publicly advocated the blocking of the ETS, the passing of the ETS, the amending of the ETS and, if the amendments were satisfactory, passing it, and now the blocking of it.

His only redeeming virtue in this remarkable lack of conviction is that every time he announced a new position to me he would preface it with “Mate, mate, I know I am a bit of a weather vane on this, but…..”

Third, there is a major issue of integrity at stake here and Liberals should reflect very deeply on it. We have an Opposition whose current leadership dismisses the Howard Government’s ETS policy as being just a political ploy. We have an Opposition Leader who has in the space of a few months held every possible position on the issue, each one contradicting the position he expressed earlier. And finally we have an Opposition which negotiated amendments to the Rudd Government’s ETS, then reached agreement on those amendments and then, a week later, reneged on the agreement.

It would perhaps be a little cooler if he had said this while in power, and if it didn’t come across as a whine because he lost, but that doesn’t really diminish the humour.

Link.

Salvation Army Lobbies for Religious Discrimination

It’s almost time for those red kettles to go up in front of grocery stores across America, and all across America, people get all rosy cheeked just thinking about doing good… forgetting about all the organizations that do as much good without making such a big show about it… without thinking about where the money that goes into the red kettle really goes to.

Among other things, the money people give to the Salvation Army goes to pay the salaries of lobbyists in Washington D.C. What, oh what, do those Salvation Army lobbyists lobby for? The Salvation Army lobbies in favor of the political agenda of the Religious Right.

There’s the time, for example, when the Salvation Army leaders met behind closed doors with the Bush White House to come up with a strategy for passing a law that would allow government-funded groups to fire people for refusing to join the religions of their bosses. Convert and praise Jesus or lose your job, the Salvation Army law said. That was a practice that the Salvation Army was already engaging in, giving religious tests to employees and telling them to take a hike if the responses were not theologically correct, taking government money all the while. The Salvation Army spent hundreds of thousands of dollars of red kettle money on that political project alone.

What else does your red kettle donation pay for? Political organizing against same-sex marriage, for one thing. The Salvation Army uses its organization to promote opposition to equal marriage rights for same sex-sex couples. The web site of the Salvation Army states, “The Salvation Army believes, therefore, that Christians whose sexual orientation is primarily or exclusively same-sex are called upon to embrace celibacy as a way of life. There is no scriptural support for same-sex unions as equal to, or as an alternative to, heterosexual marriage.” Catch that other part too - the only good homosexual is a homosexual who decides not to have sex for the rest of his or her life.

There’s also the Salvation Army’s history of rescinding benefits to same-sex domestic partners. Said the Human Rights Campaign, “We’re talking about health care, about providing health benefits, and what the Salvation Army has decided to do is prevent certain families from getting health care, and that’s just mean.” Salvation Army supporters responded to Portland’s request that it adhere to the city’s ordinance requiring organizations receiving money from the city government to provide benefits to same-sex domestic partners by sending hate mail with messages such as “You are a sick person who doesn’t deserve to be mayor.” Compassion?

Still want to put that money in the red kettle?

Consider the Salvation Army’s decision to put its religion ahead of the needs of homeless people in Wisconsin. When the Janesville City Council asked the Salvation Army to stop trying to convert people to evangelical Christianity with government money provided through the city government, the Salvation Army said no. The Salvation Army decided that it was more important to keep trying to convert people to Christianity than to help people in need, so it decided to stop work on a homeless shelter until the local government relented and allowed proselytization with government funds. A spokesman said that stopping its religious activities as part of government-funded programs that it administrates would stop the Salvation Army from fulfilling its mission “to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ”. The Salvation Army would let the homeless freeze outside in the Wisconsin winter weather rather than just stop telling people to worship Jesus.

Yes, government funds. The Salvation Army gets a huge amount of praise for helping people in need, but the truth is that a huge amount of the money that the Salvation Army spends comes directly from federal, state, and local government. We, the taxpayers of America, make the sacrifice, but the Salvation Army gets the credit with none of the oversight and accountability that ordinarily goes along with government programs. In 2005, for example, 95 percent of the Salvation Army’s budget for children services came from the federal government, and was used, among other things, to conduct an anti-gay witch hunt in which employees were told to look for signs of homosexual activity in their colleagues, and to expose those colleagues so that they could be fired.

The plain fact is that the Salvation Army would only conduct a tiny fraction of its charitable works if it did not receive billions of dollars of government money. Much of the red kettle money goes toward building and maintaining Salvation Army churches, like the ones Wrangell, Alaska; Griffin, Georgia; Thomasville, North Carolina; Gilroy, California; Kalispell, Montana; Fort Lauderdale, Florida and countless other places across the USA. When you throw your money into the red kettle, are you thinking about helping people in need or about maintaining the temple in Rochester, New York?

I’m not denying that the Salvation Army does some good things with its own resources, but most of the good work it does is with government resources that could just as easily go to other programs that don’t discriminate, don’t lobby the government, and don’t mix religion with social services. Let the Salvation Army support itself, and rely purely on private donations. If the Salvation Army wants to keep preaching a right wing agenda, then it’s long past time that it get off the government dole.

Well, you know me, not one to let things go right by me without offering my $.02. So how about a $3 bill instead?
I’ve made a full sheet of these things that you can download here and print out. Cut out the bills, fold them into quarters so the blank side doesn’t show, and keep them on you. Give them out to friends and family, and whenever you go shopping slip one in the bellringer’s kettle. Send them a message that they cannot have it both ways, and get out your frustration on that annoying goddamned bell ringing at the same time. All I ask is that you pass this along, please.

Link.